


carbon monoxide

by sunflower_8



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Complicated Relationships, Depression, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:35:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22725514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflower_8/pseuds/sunflower_8
Summary: "nagito rolls down the window, because he doesn’t actually want to die from toxic fumes. the air outside is cold, but he lets the ice stick to his skin and embraces the cold he’ll get tomorrow. he hates being so fragile that any step outside could technically break him. he’s victim to his luck, his poor constitution, everything.he’s so tired. he’s been tired for so, so long."(or, nagito's heart has finally shattered)
Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito (one sided)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 98
Collections: komahina





	carbon monoxide

**Author's Note:**

> suicidal content. 
> 
> please, please, please talk to someone if you need to. it's fucking difficult but so many people out there really care. the world is filled with some of the worst people but there are so many who are just the fucking best and you'll find them. you will. 
> 
> life is ups and downs but things will get to an up again. 
> 
> 1-800-273-8255 <\- suicide hotline.

nagito wonders how long it will take for the carbon monoxide in his car to kill him.

he hates driving. he doesn’t like having control over things when he  _ knows  _ he will fuck it up. but in his too-big too-empty house, there aren’t enough places to hide, and he needed to feel infinitesimal between the liminality of being a driver and being a passenger, watching his life fly away. he needed to lock himself in somewhere, so now he’s sitting in a car with chipped paint and a crooked license plate.

the car smells like smoke, faint vanilla, and citrus. the citrus scent is only there because hajime was in the car just an hour ago, smelling like summer and breakfast. he drove nagito to a cafe and they ate and talked about mindless things.

(nagito  _ loves  _ talking to hajime, but he also realizes that the conversations he has with him aren’t… ideal. it’s not like they talk about uncomfortable things or venture into arguments-- though they do the latter  _ too often _ . it’s just that sometimes nagito wants to say that he’s had a bad day, and he knows hajime wants to say that  _ he’s  _ had a rough day, but neither of them want to burden the other so they don’t say anything. they never talk about serious things or what’s important. they just pretend that discussing dumb coworkers is the best they can achieve.)

the citrus scent still lingers, and nagito hates it.

it’s not that nagito loves hajime. he does, of course, because it’s difficult to not love someone who has put up with his sorry-ass for a while, now. he doesn’t  _ love  _ him though, because he know he can’t and he shouldn’t and that too much in his life is falling apart for love to come around and fix it all.

(everyone already thinks he’s crazy when he talks about his paranoia in friendships. imagine walking up to chiaki and saying,  _ hey _ ,  _ i think i’d let hajime control me like a puppet if it made him happy.  _ the expression on her face would be laughable.

nagito laughs a little. it’s empty.)

nagito rolls down the window, because he doesn’t  _ actually  _ want to die from toxic fumes. the air outside is cold, but he lets the ice stick to his skin and embraces the cold he’ll get tomorrow. he hates being so fragile that any step outside could technically break him. he’s victim to his luck, his poor constitution,  _ everything.  _

hajime bought him a brownie at the cafe, but nagito hasn’t even touched it yet. he’s sure it’s good and tasty and  _ wonderful,  _ but the concept of eating makes him choke.

he’s so tired. he’s been tired for so, so long.

he knows that it’s late, that he needs to head in or at least drive to chiaki’s place and ask for a hug and some ice cream, but he can’t. he doesn’t want to walk up to the apartment complex and wait in the elevator with someone who probably finds him repulsive, with red eyes and sullen cheeks (he never cries, and yet that’s all he’s done for an hour). he doesn’t want to lay in his bed, tears far gone and replaced with emptiness, only to not sleep and have to feign energy for work.

better idea: maybe he should just  _ quit his fucking job.  _ maybe if he stops showing up, business will look good again and the place won’t have to close down. maybe if he just quits at everything, he won’t have to show his face to the world and he can just hide in bed until he decays. maybe if he quits, he’ll actually have time to go to therapy (pathetic excuse, nagito). maybe he can get his life together, stop being a fucking failure, because-

because nagito can’t help but feel like he’s feeling so much shittiness but he’s doing it all  _ wrong.  _ chiaki preaches to all her friends about how her mental health issues  _ suck _ , but it’s not an excuse to neglect to do shit and be a shitty friend but that’s all nagito ever  _ does.  _

but he can’t  _ say _ that. chiaki will just frown, concern in her eyebrow, and fuyuhiko will argue with him on it gently and kazuichi will scratch his neck awkwardly and hajime wouldn’t say shit because hajime doesn’t know how to react when nagito does something stupid and hajime would never do anything wrong and hajime knows how to be a person and  _ hajime- _

nagito pushes his door open, not bothering to turn off his car as he collapses on the dirt and sobs. his cries sound more like hysterical shrieks, like he’s  _ screaming _ , and he covers his mouth but it just makes him retch a little in his throat. so he covers his face, claws at it, curls up into as small of a ball as he can  _ with too long limbs that fail him and a long body and a  _ **_broken heart_ ** and just sobs as loud as he can. they rip out of his throat and they hurt so  _ fucking  _ bad but he can’t stop, he can’t.

he watches as a couple passes him, heading to their house down the road as they walk tipsily. they look at nagito, crying on the grass, and keep walking, because--

nagito can’t place a reason.

his phone is ringing but his arm is too tired to reach out and grab it. he massages the scalp that suffered his abuse, locks of his hair still in his hands. he shivers and pulls his jacket closer, finally rising with the dying of the ringtone and checks his phone.

_ missed call from chiaki nanami _

he sighs. he expected nothing different. 

but then…

_ hajime hinata: forgot to tell you when i saw you but-- _

nagito bites his sleeve to muffle his scream. he can’t fathom the irony of it all.

_ hajime hinata: forgot to tell you when i saw you but happy-- _

he actually wants to die. he’s been so on the fence for so long and he’s still on the fence but the fence is breaking and maybe things don’t have to be different shades of grey, because he must want to die if this is what he considers living.

he doesn’t even love him. and yet, his heart shatters in a way he know he’ll never be able to repair.

if the carbon monoxide in his car didn’t kill him, the gun in his closet might. 

_ hajime hinata: forgot to tell you when i saw you but happy valentine’s day :) _

**Author's Note:**

> this isn't my valentine's day special. that's probably getting posted in like. three hours. or something. 
> 
> i've had a really bad day gang like when do things,,, get better? normally i'm either not at all talkative in end notes on vents or i'm like trying to play things off but. i mean i /should/ do both of those things because it's not your job to care about me??? because i'm just someone off the internet??? so like literally why would you care???
> 
> but yeah i'm currently having an,,, episode? breakdown? i'm not actively suicidal. or planning anything. i have too much to lose by not existing and nothing to gain. 
> 
> anyway. i seriously love you guys which i know contradicts with my earlier point but. like. i check out the accounts of all the people who like my shit and i remember names and that wasn't meant to be a weird flex but you guys are. really. really important to me. so yeah. please stay safe. please. 
> 
> (and i apologize to my friends who are having a good valentine's day, because i hate to worry any of you.)


End file.
